Anger

I am so angry. I do not know how to control my anger. It is all directed at, and stems from my husband. I am so angry at him that I honestly don't want him to call me, text, email, or even come home for that matter. I don't even want to lay eyes on him. To be honest, right now I'm not even sure that I love him. I don't want to hear his voice or know that he's alive. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes me hate. I hate him for leaving me at home alone. To care for everything in our home, pay bills with less money, stress over where the damn invisible money is even going to come from, find extra money to pay for his living in Florida and his trips home, continue to do everything that I've always been responsible for, plus his duties. Cut the grass, take out the trash, treat for bugs, fix everything that breaks, do all the cooking and cleaning unassisted. Make sure the animals don't fucking die. I absolutely hate him. He made the choice to leave me here alone. HE DID! He could have stayed in Georgia and worked. He wanted to take this specific job, not because it was what was best for the family, but because it's what was best for his career. It makes him happy and the rest of us miserable. Meanwhile, I'm not allowed to pursue my fucking career goals because the money is being blown in fucking Florida. I always have to sit on the back burner. Whether it's because of his ex-wife, his kids, child support, or God knows what else, I'm always waiting on his shit. He could have stayed. Instead, he chose to do this, and somehow thought that everything would just be here waiting for him when he came trotting back into town. Not only that, but it would be better. We would be better.  Life stands still for Jamie, apparently. Furthermore, I'm not supposed to be upset while he isn't here. I'm to find the happy in less money and extra chores. Yea, how about a big fat fuck you. Nope, no happy to be found here. Just anger and hatred. I'm not sure how to move passed this. I'm really not sure that my marriage will ever recover from this. I will always have animosity towards him for doing this. He could have chose us, but instead he chose Florida. 

Gone Baby

It's been a while since I was last here, and boy have things changed. Well, that's the entire reason that I am even back here. Typing away on a tiny little iPad keyboard....

In February of this year, we received a big blow to our family setting. My husband's job was being surplussed. Laid off. Fired without reason. He was no longer needed, but we still needed his pay! Our options were simple: either transfer within the company by May 1st, or take a separation package, and pray you could find a job outside of the company, and fast. Unfortunately, the only job that he could find internal was 7.5 hours away in Florida. He will have to stay for at least the next 12 months.  I am now more alone than I have been in years. Life sucks.

I have been happily married for the past 11 years. I love my husband more than I even love myself. To be away from him like this is killing me. I try to keep my mind off of things, but for the last 11 years I have always put him first, and I am unable to do that now, and it is frustrating. I feel like he doesn't need me anymore, and I feel useless. I feel like I am slowly losing my husband, and it is through no fault of my own. Yes, my work takes some of my time, and my son definitely takes the rest, but it still just feels wrong. I feel like I have abandoned him to be alone in Florida, but I know I haven't. I know he's the one that left me here to "man" the house in his absence. None the less, it still just feels wrong. But there is nothing I can do.

If I uproot the rest of the house to move to Florida to be with him, we lose what is left of our savings. And who's to say that FL is even a decent place to live? I'm comfortable in our current house. My son is comfortable here as well. But I NEED my husband.

Before this bad detour, I used to believe that I didn't need him. I thought that I could live without him, and that the only reason that I even stayed with him was because I wanted to. I now know that it was just a feminist crock of shit that I told myself to make me feel superior, or some kind of nonsense. No, I definitely without a doubt need that man.

We are now 2 weeks into this at least year long journey of trying to keep our financial house at status quo while ripping our emotional house in two. I will be here often. I've got to have somewhere to get things off of my chest. Yes, I have friends and family that I can talk to, but they pity me, and hover, and I just can't take that shit right now. I need someone to listen that has absolutely no attachment to my life whatsoever. Thank you for being that spot. Thank you for listening. I'm going to try to not be an absolute sap for the next year. I'm hoping you can help me with that, too.

So here's to the beginning of my short-term long-distance marriage. I hope we all survive this year.

The "rite" way to believe

It is common knowledge that I am a lover of history, but more specifically, I am intrigued with American history and our Founding Fathers. What I find most fascinating is the misconception of Christianity in our countries founding. Many people are disillusioned with believing that the country was created on the basis of Christianity, but few know the Father's were, in fact, not Christians. Some believed in a God, but not the Calvinistic God of biblical lore. In studying and analyzing their beliefs, it has led me to further scrutinize my own. I cannot fathom saying there is absolutely no God after spending 26 years of Christianity being force-fed to me; it just seems absurd. I have always known there were other belief systems, but have been led to believe that all other religions were wrong and were going to Hell for disagreeing with the Christian Bible. But are they? Is Christianity the right and only way to find perpetual peace?

 I remember as a child always having questions about my faith, but feeling wrong for questioning the word of God. I felt I would be punished for even thinking for a second that something in the story line was incorrect or just did not add up. As an adult, I still have those same lingering questions, but I know now it is my right and duty to seek answers. I still firmly believe the Christian Bible is a sacred religious text, but I also believe its not wholly true. The Bible was written by man, not God, and therefore is subject to human error and misconceptions. The King James Version is proof enough that every new issue of the Bible is changed to suit the needs of the person in power. So how does one find the truth in the story? This is my quest. I must find answers to my questions, and hopefully along the way I can find my faith.

Poem

The wavering moon

Reaches to ruin the throat.

Clouds bruise the hot

Surprise of sharp.

Important things swing

Eyes through the red.

Tough soft blue ruins all

Desire to cut the mud.

A burning frog

To change all directions.

A tiny surprise hot

Curves important bites.

My review of 1102

How does one review an English class? That is quite a question! As with last year in 1101, I have thoroughly enjoyed English 1102, I am actually sad to see it end. As a whole, our class has had wonderful discussions-while not always sticking to the academic rubric, they are still quite enlightening! For 90 minutes twice a week, self-expression has been the name of the game-is that not what literature is supposed to be? I have learned quite a lot, I have found what I cannot get enough of literary wise, and I am in love with it! I am enamored with the fact that within each piece of literature, multiple analyses can be drawn; there is no wrong answer.

Through my many essays, I have learned that spell-check can be wrong, and do not trust any citation help center! I have realized that exclamation points are not required for every other sentence, and everything cannot and should not be a question.

I will miss the diversity of opinions and many backgrounds supplied by the few but yet sufficient peers of my class. They have managed to supply me with many hours of personal deliberation on my standpoint of multiple issues. I have a great respect for this particular group of individuals, and I hope that they move on to have bright and successful careers.

I cannot begin to express how wonderful I think Ms.Lindberg is. She is a magical woman, especially in the world of literature. I am grateful to have an instructor that is so enthusiastic about writing; it has instilled a desire within myself to read everything I can get my grubby little hands on! I know wholeheartedly I am a better writer because of her. Not long ago, I read my first college essay and compared it to my most recent; I was amazed with myself. I can truly say I learned something in English. Thank you for that!

Home

It’s been a long road;

The roads, they wind and bend.

I know where I’m going,

But somehow can’t reach the end.

I see the woods changing,

They rise with every fall.

I must continue going,

So strange… like a distant call.

There is a storm a’brewing,

I can feel it in my bones.

As only nature can,

The winds a’singin’ as it moans.

The kids… they’ll be so frightened,

But feel the pain they must.

I’m consumed with the need to go

With every painful gust.

My stop is growing closer,

I can see it crystal clear.

My home is oh so close now,

I feel excitement and such fear.

With one last breath I’ll be there,

And the pain will disappear.

I see I’m going home now,

So please, don’t shed a tear.

Hypocrisy in my home

My husband is the biggest hypocrite known to mankind. As a parent, you are supposed to lead by example. It seems my husband has the opposite theory. Apparently it is best for him to do the things he tells the children should not be done. Of course, while he is doing it, everything is okay.

A few days ago, he instructed my son for the 1,000^th time that he should not play video games, as they are “no good.” He immediately takes the controller from him, and inserts his own game, and proceeds to spend 5 hours playing the stupid video game that he scolded the child for playing. What in the world is he thinking?! To me, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If my husband can play for hours, then my son should be allowed to do the same thing. Fair is fair, and I do not care if he is an adult or not. You cannot instruct without example. It is the equivalent of telling a child not to take drugs because they are bad, but the person is telling the child as he or she is consuming drugs! Or explaining to a kid why he or she should eat healthy as you are steadily consuming numerous candy bars. Sense is sense. 

Sometimes I feel that my son would do a better job of leading my husband than what he is doing at leading my son. Jamie (my husband) is constantly telling my son (Tyler) that he needs to pay attention more. Well, Tyler constantly sees Jamie not listening to a word that comes out of my mouth. How is that going to teach him to listen or to be more responsible? That’s just it-It’s not. Hypocrisy frustrates me to death- especially when I have to deal with it almost daily.