Anger

I am so angry. I do not know how to control my anger. It is all directed at, and stems from my husband. I am so angry at him that I honestly don't want him to call me, text, email, or even come home for that matter. I don't even want to lay eyes on him. To be honest, right now I'm not even sure that I love him. I don't want to hear his voice or know that he's alive. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes me hate. I hate him for leaving me at home alone. To care for everything in our home, pay bills with less money, stress over where the damn invisible money is even going to come from, find extra money to pay for his living in Florida and his trips home, continue to do everything that I've always been responsible for, plus his duties. Cut the grass, take out the trash, treat for bugs, fix everything that breaks, do all the cooking and cleaning unassisted. Make sure the animals don't fucking die. I absolutely hate him. He made the choice to leave me here alone. HE DID! He could have stayed in Georgia and worked. He wanted to take this specific job, not because it was what was best for the family, but because it's what was best for his career. It makes him happy and the rest of us miserable. Meanwhile, I'm not allowed to pursue my fucking career goals because the money is being blown in fucking Florida. I always have to sit on the back burner. Whether it's because of his ex-wife, his kids, child support, or God knows what else, I'm always waiting on his shit. He could have stayed. Instead, he chose to do this, and somehow thought that everything would just be here waiting for him when he came trotting back into town. Not only that, but it would be better. We would be better.  Life stands still for Jamie, apparently. Furthermore, I'm not supposed to be upset while he isn't here. I'm to find the happy in less money and extra chores. Yea, how about a big fat fuck you. Nope, no happy to be found here. Just anger and hatred. I'm not sure how to move passed this. I'm really not sure that my marriage will ever recover from this. I will always have animosity towards him for doing this. He could have chose us, but instead he chose Florida. 

Gone Baby

It's been a while since I was last here, and boy have things changed. Well, that's the entire reason that I am even back here. Typing away on a tiny little iPad keyboard....

In February of this year, we received a big blow to our family setting. My husband's job was being surplussed. Laid off. Fired without reason. He was no longer needed, but we still needed his pay! Our options were simple: either transfer within the company by May 1st, or take a separation package, and pray you could find a job outside of the company, and fast. Unfortunately, the only job that he could find internal was 7.5 hours away in Florida. He will have to stay for at least the next 12 months.  I am now more alone than I have been in years. Life sucks.

I have been happily married for the past 11 years. I love my husband more than I even love myself. To be away from him like this is killing me. I try to keep my mind off of things, but for the last 11 years I have always put him first, and I am unable to do that now, and it is frustrating. I feel like he doesn't need me anymore, and I feel useless. I feel like I am slowly losing my husband, and it is through no fault of my own. Yes, my work takes some of my time, and my son definitely takes the rest, but it still just feels wrong. I feel like I have abandoned him to be alone in Florida, but I know I haven't. I know he's the one that left me here to "man" the house in his absence. None the less, it still just feels wrong. But there is nothing I can do.

If I uproot the rest of the house to move to Florida to be with him, we lose what is left of our savings. And who's to say that FL is even a decent place to live? I'm comfortable in our current house. My son is comfortable here as well. But I NEED my husband.

Before this bad detour, I used to believe that I didn't need him. I thought that I could live without him, and that the only reason that I even stayed with him was because I wanted to. I now know that it was just a feminist crock of shit that I told myself to make me feel superior, or some kind of nonsense. No, I definitely without a doubt need that man.

We are now 2 weeks into this at least year long journey of trying to keep our financial house at status quo while ripping our emotional house in two. I will be here often. I've got to have somewhere to get things off of my chest. Yes, I have friends and family that I can talk to, but they pity me, and hover, and I just can't take that shit right now. I need someone to listen that has absolutely no attachment to my life whatsoever. Thank you for being that spot. Thank you for listening. I'm going to try to not be an absolute sap for the next year. I'm hoping you can help me with that, too.

So here's to the beginning of my short-term long-distance marriage. I hope we all survive this year.