Anger

I am so angry. I do not know how to control my anger. It is all directed at, and stems from my husband. I am so angry at him that I honestly don't want him to call me, text, email, or even come home for that matter. I don't even want to lay eyes on him. To be honest, right now I'm not even sure that I love him. I don't want to hear his voice or know that he's alive. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes me hate. I hate him for leaving me at home alone. To care for everything in our home, pay bills with less money, stress over where the damn invisible money is even going to come from, find extra money to pay for his living in Florida and his trips home, continue to do everything that I've always been responsible for, plus his duties. Cut the grass, take out the trash, treat for bugs, fix everything that breaks, do all the cooking and cleaning unassisted. Make sure the animals don't fucking die. I absolutely hate him. He made the choice to leave me here alone. HE DID! He could have stayed in Georgia and worked. He wanted to take this specific job, not because it was what was best for the family, but because it's what was best for his career. It makes him happy and the rest of us miserable. Meanwhile, I'm not allowed to pursue my fucking career goals because the money is being blown in fucking Florida. I always have to sit on the back burner. Whether it's because of his ex-wife, his kids, child support, or God knows what else, I'm always waiting on his shit. He could have stayed. Instead, he chose to do this, and somehow thought that everything would just be here waiting for him when he came trotting back into town. Not only that, but it would be better. We would be better.  Life stands still for Jamie, apparently. Furthermore, I'm not supposed to be upset while he isn't here. I'm to find the happy in less money and extra chores. Yea, how about a big fat fuck you. Nope, no happy to be found here. Just anger and hatred. I'm not sure how to move passed this. I'm really not sure that my marriage will ever recover from this. I will always have animosity towards him for doing this. He could have chose us, but instead he chose Florida.